(elusivefrown)

There are significant portions of your life that were decided before you were born. Very few people realize this. Most people are worried about never meeting the person they’re meant to be with forever. They’re worried that, somewhere along the way, their personality shifted just enough; altered their life path a tiny hair out of the way of their soulmate’s. That one thing that happened to you, it changed you just enough to make you unlovable. At some point on the graph that is your life, your lines will cross and after that it’s nothing and no one.

Thing about me is, my lines crossed before I was born, the day my dad picked up a bottle. The day my great grandmother met my first great grandfather. Everything after that, all the things I thought I controlled, those were details. The big strokes had already been made by people who thought they were having a little fun. Everything happens TO you, nothing happens BY you. You can’t stop what’s coming for you. There ain’t nothing for it.

I suppose there’s nothing left to do but write. You’re moving back to Louisiana, you’re back on your meds, you’re finally going back to college. Our time together is over, so I guess I’d better begin the long, arduous task of documenting it.

I should have known all my friends would get married or pregnant, or graduate years ahead of me and move thousands of miles away. I should have known I’d never get letters in the mail, or that you’d never call me back. And now you’re out drinking with my friends, like you have something in common with them besides me.

In Montana I left my initials carved on a tree somewhere. In Seattle I left several boxes that are too heavy to move and too worthless to sell. I’m leaving stuff wherever I go nowadays, because I’ll give up and go back there eventually. I guess I know how to give up better than I know how to persevere.

I guess I knew I wouldn’t be getting out of bed today.